An incomplete list of things Dave Chappelle has never said to me:

"Bitch, you can barbeque like a motherfucker!"

"How do I know what size of stay goes in this here shirt collar?"

"Seriously, you should come by my place after the show. I got a six-pack of ice dancers coming by and none of them speak english."

"How much you bench?"

"I don't care if it's ironic or retro or whatever, scooters ain't cool. They just ain't."

"I once saw Al Gore at the airport. He's smaller than I thought he would be."

"Since when is everybody a DJ? Maybe about the same time that everybody got tatoos."

"I have 175 pairs of shoes. One-Hundred-and-Seventy-Five, bitch."

"You know, it's funny, I never get tired of that Howard Dean bit either. And you'd think that if anyone was going to, it would be me. But gottamit, it just never gets old. 'Beyyaaaaaaaaa!' Man! Too good."

"Sometimes I like to lie in my front yard shirtless. It makes me a bit itchy afterwards, but the feeling of being close to the earth that it gives me is worth it. Sometimes I'll also bring a beebee-gun along and take shots at squirrels or kids riding by on their bikes. What? I mean shit: they're wearing helmets."

"If it were up to me, people wouldn't be allowed to wear ballcaps for teams they don't play on. It just gets so fucking confusing! I mean how the hell am I supposed to spot the real Yankees?"

"I'm rich, bitch!"